The longer I live with this disease the more evident it is that this is not MY cancer: it is OUR cancer. Everybody who cares about me is affected by this. My friends, extended family, colleagues and, of course, my wife and sons. It seems like the cruelest part of the experience: my disease causes pain to those that are dear to me. It is ridiculous to blame myself for the cancer but it is hard not to feel responsible for the fear and sadness it causes the others of my life.
In many respects I am lucky on this point. I was diagnosed at 59 years. My two adult sons were already independent, pursuing interesting careers, falling in love, experiencing their own lives. They were no longer dependent on me. I feel great sadness when I hear the story of cancer patients who have young children. That journey seems much harder to me. Having said that I have more trouble talking about the cancer with my sons than others. As a father I desperately want to avoid making my sons sad. The thought that I probably won't see them grow old is my most powerful grief.
Of course the greatest hardship falls on my spouse. I have an amazing wife and we are best friends. She has been there for me every step of this journey, always listening to my fears and sadness. Every test, every result, every treatment is hers as well as mine. But for her this is not just the pain of watching me experience cancer. It is the pain of knowing I will not be around later. It seems very likely I am going to leave before she does and she will no longer have her friend. I know that she will survive this but watching her go through these days is really torture.
Talking with others about my cancer is challenging. On one hand I would like to be as frank and open as possible. I value honesty and I am uncomfortable with distorting the facts...even for a good cause. However, giving people the most realistic view of my situation is...well....depressing. I would prefer to be as upbeat as possible. I don't want to make people sad! I also worry about wearing people out. I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago. Over that time the news has been progressively worse. I don't want to be viewed as "the guy who has cancer" who is always delivering new bad news.
As always there is something good in all of this hardship. In general I have a very positive view of people and I believe that almost everyone is basically good. However, having cancer demonstrates people's kindness in a way that is really awesome to experience. It is truly touching...and it really helps. I don't recommend contracting this disease to get this experience but it is definitely a "gift" of cancer.
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