It has now been over three years since I was diagnosed. The first couple of years were filled with a lot of fear but also a lot of action and hope. My friends and family expressed horror at my situation but we were all hoping that I would emerge triumphant.
The recurrence has presented a new experience. It is unlikely I will escape with my life. The cancer is going to take me. I don't know exactly how long it will take. Assuming the existing treatment options the data would suggest a few more years. Perhaps a couple years, maybe 3 or 4. Maybe a lot more if I am very lucky.
This new, more sobering, news has created a new problem: how we (I am not alone in this) should pace ourselves. I am not going to die this week. Nor this month. I am confident I am not going to die within a year. It won't do to spend our time sobbing and taking long walks along the river, expressing our love or confessing our regrets. There will be time for that later. This week, this month, this year I am living. I love my life. It is a great adventure and I don't want it to stop. It doesn't help me or anybody else to focus on my shortened lifespan.
A few years ago I listened to a popular song with the refrain "live your life like you are dying". I think the songwriter was making a point about living for today and letting others know you love them. I now understand this is terrible advice. You should, of course, live in the moment and spend every day treasuring your tribe. But we should live like we are living, not dying.
So enough!!! We are not going to talk about "how I am feeling". I feel great. If that changes I will let you know. When it looks like my time remaining is much shorter I will let you know. When that happens we can take the walk along the river. But that time is not now.
Friday, August 2, 2019
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
The Others
The longer I live with this disease the more evident it is that this is not MY cancer: it is OUR cancer. Everybody who cares about me is affected by this. My friends, extended family, colleagues and, of course, my wife and sons. It seems like the cruelest part of the experience: my disease causes pain to those that are dear to me. It is ridiculous to blame myself for the cancer but it is hard not to feel responsible for the fear and sadness it causes the others of my life.
In many respects I am lucky on this point. I was diagnosed at 59 years. My two adult sons were already independent, pursuing interesting careers, falling in love, experiencing their own lives. They were no longer dependent on me. I feel great sadness when I hear the story of cancer patients who have young children. That journey seems much harder to me. Having said that I have more trouble talking about the cancer with my sons than others. As a father I desperately want to avoid making my sons sad. The thought that I probably won't see them grow old is my most powerful grief.
Of course the greatest hardship falls on my spouse. I have an amazing wife and we are best friends. She has been there for me every step of this journey, always listening to my fears and sadness. Every test, every result, every treatment is hers as well as mine. But for her this is not just the pain of watching me experience cancer. It is the pain of knowing I will not be around later. It seems very likely I am going to leave before she does and she will no longer have her friend. I know that she will survive this but watching her go through these days is really torture.
Talking with others about my cancer is challenging. On one hand I would like to be as frank and open as possible. I value honesty and I am uncomfortable with distorting the facts...even for a good cause. However, giving people the most realistic view of my situation is...well....depressing. I would prefer to be as upbeat as possible. I don't want to make people sad! I also worry about wearing people out. I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago. Over that time the news has been progressively worse. I don't want to be viewed as "the guy who has cancer" who is always delivering new bad news.
As always there is something good in all of this hardship. In general I have a very positive view of people and I believe that almost everyone is basically good. However, having cancer demonstrates people's kindness in a way that is really awesome to experience. It is truly touching...and it really helps. I don't recommend contracting this disease to get this experience but it is definitely a "gift" of cancer.
In many respects I am lucky on this point. I was diagnosed at 59 years. My two adult sons were already independent, pursuing interesting careers, falling in love, experiencing their own lives. They were no longer dependent on me. I feel great sadness when I hear the story of cancer patients who have young children. That journey seems much harder to me. Having said that I have more trouble talking about the cancer with my sons than others. As a father I desperately want to avoid making my sons sad. The thought that I probably won't see them grow old is my most powerful grief.
Of course the greatest hardship falls on my spouse. I have an amazing wife and we are best friends. She has been there for me every step of this journey, always listening to my fears and sadness. Every test, every result, every treatment is hers as well as mine. But for her this is not just the pain of watching me experience cancer. It is the pain of knowing I will not be around later. It seems very likely I am going to leave before she does and she will no longer have her friend. I know that she will survive this but watching her go through these days is really torture.
Talking with others about my cancer is challenging. On one hand I would like to be as frank and open as possible. I value honesty and I am uncomfortable with distorting the facts...even for a good cause. However, giving people the most realistic view of my situation is...well....depressing. I would prefer to be as upbeat as possible. I don't want to make people sad! I also worry about wearing people out. I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago. Over that time the news has been progressively worse. I don't want to be viewed as "the guy who has cancer" who is always delivering new bad news.
As always there is something good in all of this hardship. In general I have a very positive view of people and I believe that almost everyone is basically good. However, having cancer demonstrates people's kindness in a way that is really awesome to experience. It is truly touching...and it really helps. I don't recommend contracting this disease to get this experience but it is definitely a "gift" of cancer.
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