It has now been over three years since I was diagnosed. The first couple of years were filled with a lot of fear but also a lot of action and hope. My friends and family expressed horror at my situation but we were all hoping that I would emerge triumphant.
The recurrence has presented a new experience. It is unlikely I will escape with my life. The cancer is going to take me. I don't know exactly how long it will take. Assuming the existing treatment options the data would suggest a few more years. Perhaps a couple years, maybe 3 or 4. Maybe a lot more if I am very lucky.
This new, more sobering, news has created a new problem: how we (I am not alone in this) should pace ourselves. I am not going to die this week. Nor this month. I am confident I am not going to die within a year. It won't do to spend our time sobbing and taking long walks along the river, expressing our love or confessing our regrets. There will be time for that later. This week, this month, this year I am living. I love my life. It is a great adventure and I don't want it to stop. It doesn't help me or anybody else to focus on my shortened lifespan.
A few years ago I listened to a popular song with the refrain "live your life like you are dying". I think the songwriter was making a point about living for today and letting others know you love them. I now understand this is terrible advice. You should, of course, live in the moment and spend every day treasuring your tribe. But we should live like we are living, not dying.
So enough!!! We are not going to talk about "how I am feeling". I feel great. If that changes I will let you know. When it looks like my time remaining is much shorter I will let you know. When that happens we can take the walk along the river. But that time is not now.
